I am not sure how life is to go on after losing such an important person in your life, your dad. I go back and forth with my emotions, one minute I am angry and feel like I have been shorted on time with my dad and Izzy with her Papa. The next minute, I am grateful that he is at peace and got to leave this Earth with the dignity he deserved and is no longer suffering. One minute, I feel like I can hardly breath because of all of the pain and the void I feel in my life now, the next minute I am keeping myself preoccupied with work so I don't have to think about the void.
But then there are moments like this, that happened tonight, when my dad shows himself to me when I am in need. I was putting Izzy to bed and had turned on her sound machine. Izzy was trying to talk with her fingers in her mouth. It sounded like she had said "Papa". She was staring off at the wall and not making eye contact with me, but kept talking. She eventually took her fingers out of her mouth and continued staring off at the wall and said, "Papa, Papa, Papa." I yelled to Pat and he heard her saying it too. I kept repeating it back to her then and she'd say it back again. It broke my heart at first realizing that he never got to hear her say "Papa" for the first time and that I couldn't see his face the first time she said it, but then I realized, he was probably there and did see it. The Bible says that children are able to see spirits and angels because they are the pure at heart and have no doubts. I have no doubt that my dad was showing himself to Izzy and myself to help us get through this hard time.
It kills me that Izzy won't know the Papa the other grandchildren were lucky enough to know, but then something like this happens and it makes me feel a little better. He will show himself to her in his own way. He did the same thing at the funeral, we were in line getting ready to process in and I was balling. Izzy looked towards the door and started waving and giggling. It made me stop crying quick to get her to stop laughing, but she kept on waving and smiling towards the door. There was no one by the door. I have no doubt it was my dad helping lighten the mood.
While I know all of us would give anything to make this pain go away and have him back, what is hardest is when we realize there is nothing we can do, but just get by, minute by minute, slow and steady. When I can't seem to understand this or get angry, I remind myself of a few things: 1. He was able to leave this Earth with the dignity he deserved and leave us all with the memories of him being strong and doing the things that made him, him. 2. Over 400 people came to his funeral, while it isn't fair we lost him so early, maybe the 400+ people at the funeral needed to be inspired to be better people and make a difference in the world the way my dad did. If every person that left the funeral, did one of the many amazing things my dad did with their lives, the world would be a better place. 3. Just as he always did, he was able to do it his way. It was as if he had written the end to his love story on Earth, it ended on a beautiful note with him feeling great at his favorite place. 4. He will continue to show himself to us when we need him most and that will help us get by until we meet again in Heaven someday. Until then, we know that we have the most amazingly fantastic angel. I love you forever Dad and thank you so much for everything you have given me in life. I will spend my life trying to make you proud and make Izzy know you and your greatness.
